Welcome to the HealthyMind Blog!

Posted on April 5, 2011 by

It’s my pleasure to offer you this collection of ideas about how to live well.  These insights are the culmination of over 20 years of work as a clinical psychologist in Washington, DC. where it’s been my privilege to help individuals and groups enrich their relationships and improve their lives.  My hope is that these pages will also help you to change how you view yourself and your world…perhaps even profoundly.  “You’re kidding!” you say.  I understand…it’s a big goal.  But read on and see…

As of December, 2011 I am welcoming a guest blogger, Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., from Los Angeles.  I think you’ll enjoy her posts regarding the topic of sex addiction and healthy sex.

David Bissette, Psy.D.

Note:  When you leave a Reply or Comment after any entry it will be public.  I will review it before it is posted, and will sometimes remove last names, etc., to ensure confidentiality.  To contact me directly go the the form at the top of the page labeled Contact Me and your message will be emailed to me directly.  Also, your use of this site is governed by the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy documents listed in the menu above.  Thanks.

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Laughing your way to happiness? I’m serious.

Posted on April 17, 2012 by

LaughterAlcoholics Anonymous has a saying that sometimes you can “act your way into feeling.”  It’s true—we’ve all experienced it.   Feelings do follow behavior at times.   (You may remember going to a party that you didn’t feel like attending only to find that once you were there you had a good time.)

I once had a client who said he couldn’t cry about the loss of his dad, though he felt very sad.  I asked him to show me what it would look like physically if he cried…to put his hands, face, and body in the position he would assume if he cried.  He put his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees—and began to sob over his loss.  His actions released the flow of his emotions.

Thoughts, feelings, and behavior…whenever we change one of these the other two are affected.

I was contacted by a reader of this blog about groups being held around the world for the purpose of laughing…just to laugh.  The effects are very beneficial they say, and I believe them.  The Wikipedia article on Norman Cousins contains the following quote:  “I made the joyous discovery that ten minutes of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect and would give me at least two hours of pain-free sleep,” he reported. “When the pain-killing effect of the laughter wore off, we would switch on the motion picture projector again and not infrequently, it would lead to another pain-free interval.”

He went on to write Anatomy of an Illness describing his discoveries about humor and healing.

Much more recently I attended a workshop of the treatment of trauma only to discover that the speaker recommends her clients go to humor sites on the internet to sooth themselves when distress becomes unmanageable.  It’s not a matter of denying the difficulties in life, but in shifting our obsessive attention away from them to give us a break.  (Laughter also releases endorphins, our natural internal pain reliever.)  Of course, this was but one of several strategies she offered to help temporarily relieve significant emotional pain.

The reader who wrote to me about the topic was promoting the website for Laughing Yoga, which is informative and motivating.  Give it a look and take a second look at the role of laughter in your life.  Perhaps you, too, can act your way into feeling on a tough day.  As Norman Cousins would probably say, I bet it won’t hurt!

David

Note:  The concept I am talking about here is not meant to be used as a substitute for facing the difficulties in your life, of course.  However, it can help you face them with greater ease.

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Ten tips for recovery from sex addiction

Posted on March 6, 2012 by

Here are a few ideas to help you recover from sex addiction…

1)  Acknowledge that your sex life is truly out of control and that you can’t stop the problem by yourself.  (12-steps)

2)  Get help–typically two types:

  • Professional—a professional can help to deal with the trauma that often underlies sex addiction as well as the underlying medical problems that may need attention
  • Peer support—finding a support group of peers who understand can make a lot of difference; the 12-step groups for sex addiction are important

3)  Make your recovery the first priority in your life.  It will not happen as a mid-level priority!

4)  Do more than you think you are going to need to do.  This will help prevent relapses as you discover the power of your sex addiction.

5)  Develop your spiritual side.  If you have a history of spiritual disappointment in what you have been taught, look for what is true for you.  Do not allow yourself to remain in bitterness.  Develop some form of spiritual practice.

6)  Be honest with others about your true feelings and behaviors.  If they are recovering and honest themselves, they will understand.  Do not be afraid to admit your own problems and shortcomings.

7)  Learn the things that trigger you, nurture you, and indicate that you are at a dangerous place emotionally.  Take them into account as you live your life.

8)  Encourage family involvement when helpful, and ask your family members to be involved in their own recovery as needed, whether from alcohol, drugs, or codependency.  Typically spouses WILL need their own recovery, at least from the trauma of discovery of sex addiction in their relationship.

9)  Get involved as a couple in couple’s recovery/therapy.  Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder, and there are often problems with intimacy on both sides of the relationship.

10) Exercise and eat well to aid your emotional and physical well-being.

More information is available here.  Help yourself.

Good luck!

David

Posted in Sex addiction | 1 Comment

The Law of Parsimony? Occam’s razor???

Posted on March 6, 2012 by

I majored in chemistry and psychology in college, and I have lots of fond memories about those days, as well as some really tough ones.  Like most of us at UNC-CH during the late 60’s and early 70’s I actually did learn a lot…and some of it was even in the classroom!

But whether in the classroom or outside it, a few ideas have particularly stood out to me through the years, and one was from the field of science.  Roughly stated it says:  “A simple explanation of a phenomenon is preferred over a more complex one.”  It’s known as the Law of Parsimony, or strangely enough, Occam’s razor.

Sounds like a bunch of gobbledygook, doesn’t it?  My chemistry professor explained it by saying that if a law of science is very complex, then it’s probably not in it’s final form yet.  In other words, the important things in life are actually profound and can be broken down into relatively uncomplicated pieces.

That helps most of us regular people, and also explains why someone who understands something REALLY well can often explain it to others.  They really “get” it.

Why am I saying all this?  Good question!

I don’t know about your life, but “uncomplicated” doesn’t always describe mine.  However, I do look for ways to make it less complicated and more profound.  I seem to be driven to find simple, important ways of being that are joyful and durable in the face of life’s problems.

In fact, I’d love to learn from you.  Do you have an idea or experience to share?  If you’re up for it, leave a comment here with a discovery or two of your own.  I’d love to read what you have to say, and I’m sure others would as well.

David

P.S. One quick comment that’s actually rather obvious…simple/profound does not equal simplistic.  The first takes some thought and wisdom, the second only superficial thinking.  Too bad.

Posted in General, Humor, Optimal Living | Leave a comment

“There was a big fight at my house last night. Unfortunately, it was inside me.”

Posted on February 21, 2012 by

We can all say that we have fights inside ourselves.  It’s true…one part of me takes a position on something, and another part of me disagrees.

Polarities.  They happen all the time.

Often we try to get rid of one side of a polarity.  That’s not a good idea!  Typically each side has something important to offer, and the two sides need to be reconciled.  Hating part of ourselves is similar…not a good idea.  If we look closely, each part of us typically means well, though we may be acting or thinking in an unsophisticated or childlike manner.

When something traumatic happens to us as children, or later in life, the part of us that remembers the event tries to figure out what to do to make us feel better.  If it can’t get closure on the event, it becomes “unfinished business”.  Whenever we think about the trauma we become upset, and we typically try to push the part of us that remembers it aside so that we can function as well as possible.  Another term used to describe this is “compartmentalization.”

Interestingly enough, when we do this we isolate the part of us that has the feelings and memories.  And I mean, we really isolate it.  It does not particularly grow or change as time goes on.  It retains the level of thinking that it had when the event happened.  As a result, it thinks in unsophisticated terms and has poor problem solving abilities.  In other words, many of the parts of us that are so destructive are that way because they are essentially “young”, not evil.

It turns our that we don’t just have an “inner child”, but we have inner children, or various parts of us that need compassion and healing.

This is not to say that we don’t have a core, mature self.  We do.  But we have dissociated parts of us that are frozen in time, and who get excited and inundate us with discomfort and anxiety and a thousand other feelings when they are upset.

Don’t let them fight.  And don’t try to get rid of them.  Become your own therapist or find one to help you…and “rehab” them.  Help them to find healing.

Here’s hoping for a happier inner house for all of us.

David

Posted in Gestalt, Healing, Internal Family Systems, Self Esteem, Trauma | 3 Comments

Asking an emotional part of you to “stand down”

Posted on February 21, 2012 by

As I continue to explore Internal Family Systems, much to the benefit of myself and my clients, occasionally an aspect of managing ones emotional life comes into sharp focus.  One thing that I have particularly liked recently has been the awareness that at times we need to ask an emotional part of us to “stand down.”

What do I mean by that?  One of the tenets of IFS (internal family systems) is that we have parts of ourselves that act like they have a life of their own.  We also have a “core” self, who is more stable than our reactive emotional parts and who needs to guide us as a person.  Hopefully, our more core self is in the “driver seat” of our life at any moment, but typically our emotional parts crowd their way in and influence us when they become concerned or agitated.  This can upset the apple cart.

When that happens we can “ask” the part of us who is being reactive to stand down so that we can “hear” its concerns.  It’s like asking a very upset friend to calm down so that they can tell us what is wrong.  It’s not to deny our feelings or disrespect them, but to get some space from them so that we can respond to them from our more calm self. Of course, then we do need to respond to them, and there can be some complications to that, but it’s definitely a skill one can learn over time.

I find this to be a very helpful concept.  There’s a difference between “having” our feelings and “being” them…i.e., lost in them.  Jay Earley’s very readable book, Self Therapy, describes this process well.  The overall IFS way of working with oneself is by far the best I have ever found.  Read Earley’s book or look for a therapist that utilizes IFS in their practice.  If you find someone who is a good therapist in general, then the IFS emphasis will make them even better.

One note: IFS gets its name from the discovery that techniques often used in family therapy work in individuals.  It is a way of working that is typically done in individual therapy.  Don’t be put off by its name.

David

Posted in Gestalt, Healing, Internal Family Systems, Trauma | 3 Comments

Ideals versus behavior

Posted on January 31, 2012 by

None of us live up to our beliefs about what our behavior should be.  Otherwise we’d all fit into slim clothes, exercise just the right amount, always be honest on our taxes, be patient with others and ourselves, and have an impeccable spiritual life.  And that’s just for starters.

There exists a gap between our ideals and our behavior, and how we handle that gap matters a great deal in terms of how we feel about ourselves.

What are the possibilities?  Let’s see…most of use one of three strategies.

Strategy 1:  Telling ourselves that the gap doesn’t exist…maintaining our ideals and saying that we meet them.  In this strategy we tell ourselves that we are a “much better than average” person who realistically has very few flaws.  Of course, we don’t fool those close to us, as well as most other people.  Turning a blind eye towards ones own faults is a practice that we all participate in.  In some circles, particularly fanatical ones, this strategy can be a favorite.

Strategy 2:  Ignoring your ideals and saying such a state of living doesn’t exist.  Lowering our ideals isn’t such a good idea either.  We can tell ourselves that what we intuitively know to be true isn’t, but deep down we don’t believe ourselves and are left to live with our own internal condemnation.

Strategy 3:  Acknowledging our ideals, and being honest about our lackings.  This is a tricky thing to do without becoming overwhelmed by our failures.  However, we can live with ourselves honestly–when our efforts are spent in growing toward our ideals.

People will like us more when we are honest about ourselves, and we will like ourselves more also.  This key to this strategy is to accept where we are in the present without being content to stay there.  Spirituality is important, and we have to learn to live gracefully with the tension of our incompleteness.

Patience with self and others, and a good dash of humility, will work wonders.  Gratitude for being loved in our flawed state will replace defensiveness, and life becomes more peaceful.  Not all-peaceful (that is another ideal), but more peaceful than it would be otherwise.  :)

Good luck,

David

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The breadth of sex

Posted on January 24, 2012 by

When I think of sex, I think of three different categories:  gender sexuality, romantic sex, and genital sex.  What’s the difference?

To me “gender sexuality” is that aspect of our nature that is most broad.  It has to do with the expression of our gender in social relationships and daily tasks…our manliness and femininity as we individually express it.  It’s fun to experience and express to others our sense of gender, and to compliment others on theirs.  It’s a basic part of our self esteem and our lives.

Romantic sexuality is a more intimate level of sexual feeling and expression.  It has to do with fondness, attraction, flirting, and other expressions of romantic interest, including touching, kissing, etc.  More vulnerable feelings become evident, and our self esteem is engaged at yet another level.

Genital sex is the third level…I think of it as even more powerful and intensely engaging level of self expression—when one is emotionally present to themselves, the experience, and their sexual partner.

Each level of sexual expression involves its own set of factors and emotional accomplishments to be experienced well.  I’ve already written on the importance of engaging your heart as you engage your body with someone elses, so I won’t say much about that here.  But do allow yourself to think of sexuality in broad terms relative to your personality, with an awareness that it’s a part of your nature that needs nurture and maturity to be enjoyed fully.  Sexual maturity, and overall maturity, go together.

Of course, I’d be fooling myself if I thought this is easy.  The post above has to do with living with our failures…a very relevant concern to this topic!

David

Posted in Optimal Living, Relationships, Self Esteem, Sex addiction | Leave a comment